I could have written and probably have and forgotten a post called, “Every day is the same.” One of my clients said it last week at the beginning of the session and someone else talked about it and about a podcast he listened to that was talking about trying to do different things everyday so the day has some I guess, “flavor” is the word I would use.
Make each day have a different flavor.
I just erased 4 paragraphs going on about depression and the day being the same and clinical unipolar depression versus bipolar depression. Yay it’s gone.
Does everyone wake up thinking about existential quandaries, why am I alive, etc.? It isn’t until later in the day that I start wishing I had started the day sweetly and gently. As I’ve said, I wouln’t want to be my own patient. On a bad day in quarantine, I don’t like myself by the end of the day and wish I was someone else. not a self hatred that’s violent, a regret and wish to have not said stuff and been very quiet.
Today I started the day polishing a silver rattle with silver polish. It’s usually more like a pink cream that you put on the rag and then rub and polish. Mine was unused for a long time nda had dried up. Just put some water and shake it up and then use it on the rag and start polishing. I had two things to polish right away. This silver rattle I got from somenoe as a baby. I’m pretty sure it’s from Tiffany’s. The there’s a pill box which isn’t really for using, because if you put pills in there they get dirty and scuffed from being in a silver box.
It was very satisfying to get these two very tarnished things shiny again. It’s like polishing time down to the point where you could be a baby again holding the rattle. I’ve seen a photo of me with the rattle. It has a good sound. The pill box is cool in the way that a pocket watch is. It’s beautiful but you just have it and don’t use it for what it’s supposed to be used for. The rattle is supposed to be for a baby but I think I will used it next time I go on the fire escape at 7 to make noise.
Ok it’s that time where I erase the first two paragraphs htat were probably really negative
I’m keeping my silver rattle on my “desk”. It makes me feel happy about it. That made no sense but it’s late.
I made some very colorful burial mounds in my new altered book today. I think I make more art during this quarantine. It does’t matter if it’s good. It has no words and is so much a medication for me. It really has the power to change things, in a way writing does not.
Page from my new book.