I first wrote this whole post starting with the word glitter. Since then, I just realized maybe I haven’t written about it, but I’ve reached the part of day where you’re waiting to go to bed, not because you are tired or want to sleep but because the day has been wrung dry and there’s nothing left of it.
This is the familiar feeling of quarantine. I don’t want to watch a movie. Amazon took away Six Feet Under so I can’t watch it. I started reading an audiobook. Maybe I’ll listen to it or do word searches to “pass the time”. Having lived through life up til now, I know that passing the time is an insidious form of depression or maybe not that strong. It’s being half asleep in your life, waiting for something but waiting for nothing. Waiting to go to bed sounds like how it feels to be on a psych ward after visiting hours. Just waiting to take your night meds and go to bed. Is my home now like a hospital? Going outside feels like I’ve waited for a day pass and have a certain amount of minutes.
I had good things today, an art time with a friend talking of many things, making this drawing I posted here, playing Phase 10 with my family and winning, feeling calm and not too much indulgence into vague sadness. All good things. I ate an apple and even some broccoli. I didn’t do any cleaning. I feel relaxed and mostly not bad. My writer friend even told me about finding a huge black snake in his house and I read one of his short stories, a good one about a monster in a town. A pretty good day for not going outside even at 7pm to make noise. And I wrote basically two posts in this one.
Glitter turns out to be symbolic of joy during hardest of times, among other things. So being drawn to put glitter in my paintings lately when I usually don’t use it, may make sense. A burial mound may be filled with layers of dead bodies but also other things. Glitter is sometimes associated with magic although it turns out to be terrible for the planet. Something magical that seems made by fairies at the same time choking the earth.
In the show my kid is watching about vampires and witches and sirens, the devil character is named Cade. Maybe a reference to Cain and Abel. This Cade wants helpers and traps a vampire into a contract. (The devil loves contracts. How interesting that the God character doesn’t make contracts, just despotic pronouncements and hidden tests. I think if I was in an Old Testament myth I’d probably trust the devil who at least makes things clear from the beginning: “give me your soul and you get these things.” I’m not even sure the devil appears much. Well it looks like the devil is complicated but more like a lawyer than “God” who simply judges people and tells them what to do and punishes them.
Anyway Cade says he wants this guy to find the most potent of souls/people, those who are good by nature and do some evil trusted things. The good gone bad. Supposedly in another episode things get simplified. I guess quantity over quality.
Glitter would be the kind of thing Cade would want in a person. Someone who spreads joy and appears magical but is actually poisonous. it kind of describes most people who do their best to be good. They’re unaware of all the bad effects of their actions.
Now is the perfect time for testing lazy ethics. Oh I won’t put on a mask over here. I don’t see any people. The people over there aren’t 6 feet apart… on 5/18 32 people in nyc died from Covid. I was looking at this chart and mixed up cases with deaths. Then there’s the whole state vs just the city.
I don’t know what I’m saying except this drawing I did has messed up numbers unless I figure out which high numbers I was looking at but I still want to make a painting out of it