It did not feel much like Father’s Day. The usual phone calls to father/grandfathers. We usually get Carvel ice cream cake on parent’s days but not today. They really should have a Parent’s Day to celebrate parents who are neither “mothers” nor “fathers”.
I had a better day than yesterday, not particularly creative but working out to three different workouts and riding the bicycle 40 minutes; I guess I have to keep it up and try to wake up early. Now that I’ve been home 2 days not going out or even noticing the sunlight or time of day based on outside light, I find myself resistant to the idea of going to my office tomorrow. It’s only a ten-15 minute walk. I have people all day long but being home with my 12 year old I don’t want to leave and I’m afraid to leave the house on the big opening day of everything in Tier 2, mostly seeing too many people on the street without masks..
I have nothing to say. Yesterday I ripped up some pages in my journal to satisfy the urge to throw things and break stuff. I was tempted to rip up my Harvard “Red Book” that just arrived, the book with alumni from the whole class listed and some people write in about their lives and others they just have their address and info. When I get really fixated and depressed I get this wild feeling of needing to destroy stuff. I don’t know where it comes from. I wasn’t like that as a kid.
I remember after my second year at college I spent the summer at Middlbury in Vermont in a Russian immersion class, where you only speak Russian at all times unless you are in town. I mostly did the classes and went running in the nearby cemetery, around it. There is nothing like the peacefulness of running around the edges of a cemetery with the trees in a quiet area without much traffic.
I had a single room off some kind of double room maybe with a roommate I remember nothing about. I remember one day, I came to my room and I was so irritated and upset and agitatedly depressed that I threw everything in my room all over the place. I took things out of drawers and threw them; I don’t know if I broke anything. I should find whatever journal I was writing back then. I just trashed my entire room. It’s like having a demon posessing you and you need to do something like explosive. I think that’s why exercise helps. I don’t like it but it is vigorous and makes me out of breath so it satisfies something.
I have worked with people who “self-harm”, cut themselves with razor blades mostly. Some have kits they leave with their therapists. I can’t imagine doing that myself but I understand the need to self destruct. One time I took a paint brush and scratched at my arm and tried to hurt myself and I have tried to bang my head against a wall a long time ago. I hate physical pain and can’t stand needles or blood or cuts so luckily it never appealed to me. People say it’s a relief to feel the physical pain and it kind of washes over the emotional pain and there is some kind of high. I never get a high from destroying my stuff but it feels like a relief. The exercise definitely is a great substitute.
It’s hard to describe the demons that are inside the mind. Given the world right now, I have no right to complain about my life, but the mind can get sick; it’s part of the body. Like the coronavirus, the mind doesn’t care who you are, whether you’re rich or poor- at times it just tortures you and you have no control over it. People tell you rational things to do, but it’s impossible when you’re in emotional mind to be rational. I guess forcing myself to exercise is part of being rational.
The only time my therapist answered back when I was writing him crazy emails one after the other a few years ago, when I begged him to say something, it was May 18, 2019 and I said, “Just email me once and tell me something positive. I really want to be dead or in a coma.” He wrote back, “You’re not always going to feel this way.” Maybe he could have written anything and it wouldn’t have mattered what it was, but he definitely intuitively said the right thing. When you’re in it, it feels like it’s going to be that way forever. Even if it only lasts 3-4 hours!
Today I really was ok. Ok is good enough these days. I helped my 12 year old organize and clean her desk and shelves; she was so excited to redo her stuff and have a clean place to do her collage stuff.
So that would be number 1 on my list for today. I almost forgot to do the list.
2. The exercise, longer than week days, very satisfying.
3. Making chocolate covered oreos with her. We cound’t use the oven to bake. You just melt chocolate chips in the microwave and dip the oreos in them to cover them, put sprinkles on them and put them in the freezer for about 15 minutes.
4. Talking to my 2 Sunday friends on Zoom. We used to meet at one person’s house for coffee and yoga, but we’ve kept up the weekly Zoom coffee since the beginning. I’m always monitoring myself around friends when I’m in a shakey place, just extra aware of not wanting to say the wrong thing or talk too much, so I usually try to shut up for most of it but I do talk.
5. The sound of the dryer right now is loud but even though it’s an ugly sound it somehow is soothing. It sounds like the way a very old computer in the Twilight Zone sounded in this episode with a computer that gave weird answers. And Part 2 of Jordan Peele’s Twilight Zone is coming soon so that will be great to watch with my kid. We both like similar episodes of the old one. The series finale of the new one was great.
This post is not really organized and probably contains too much personal information, but I’m still counting on knowing who reads it and that there won’t be any random other people reading it, so I’ll just let it go and be ok with my craziness.