How I arrived at the idea for a “One sentence/Image or 3 images/sentences”!

This post will be long and seem disorganized and many sentences and will be followed by my short posts, my newly invented Blog Prompt (one of the assignments of the blogging class), which is to make posts that are One Sentence Long!

First of all, the great benefits of taking a Blogging Class in the WordPress Community:

  1. You can trust it’s pretty safe, as the majority of other bloggers are super accepting of all kinds of people, blogs and posting styles.
  2. You can trust you will learn Assignment 1 no matter what you do! It involves the identity of your blog, why you’re blogging, how etc.
  3.  My creative process has to be edited and organized and suppressed in all sorts of everyday settings. Here, as in art work, I can “let it all hang out” with only great consequence, unique to the internet, WordPress, and this class/community!
  4. The class accepts and embraces these aspects of my creative process/blogging: not doing homework or doing it in any order, not participating for a week or 2 and then participating a LOT, going in and out of attention to blogging class, getting easily distracted by a million blogs, starting blogging tasks and not finishing because already distracted by a million cool things on the internet, getting confused by anything with too many details, and being able to ignore complex stuff in the class and jump around in a fast seeming “disorganized” creative brain way. I’m even allowed to appreciate and absorb other bloggers blogs any way I want. I can read a little and comment on one thing. I can read it then not read it again for a long time. That means there aren’t the usual restrictions on Reading (from elementary school Reading and Reading Comprehension Class): read the first time for the main idea ,then reread to absorb something they want you to get, prioritize what the writer wrote and be able to spit it back in a way that shows someone very organized how well you read it. Ask the questions we say you should ask.

That is a big one, as my natural reading style is probably called ” Inattentive” I am irrelevantly attentive to some things and not attentive to so-called important things in a Seemingly Chaotic way, reading very fast and not wanting to reread most things. Jumping around with my mind and having my own weird reactions and importances…

The rules of the Blogging Class Commons are all useful and helpful and help you contain your Creative Blogging Mojo safely: make comments on the Commons (WordPress’ cool classroom, which of course is in the form of a blog where all participants can share their ideas: Make them brief. Post link to your blog. Don’t put your blog post on the Commons blogging site. Be considerate and kind of all other bloggers. Post only in English language. Then from there, the other rules of Acceptance of All Bloggers Involved in the Class!

  1. You don’t have to remember other classmate’s names or be distracted by what they are wearing, how they are sitting, and all the other stuff in a regular non-virtual class. AND, you are allowed to remember the way your remembering process is, not the way you are told to remember something! That is HUGE. I wish Blogging had been there for my years in high school…
  2. Basically, the virtual atmosphere of WordPress promotes and attracts people who naturally have the following: Total Tolerance and Acceptance of Other Bloggers’ unique process and blogging style and personhood/identity; the appearance and content of your blog MATTER. What you look like physically or how you stand, walk, sit or talk doesn’t matter at all! Yay.
  3. Big one, post as long as you want and have very longs meandering sentences which get you in big trouble in outer reality conversation but are ok in the blogosphere! Or do short posts or post whatever you feel like in whatever way and order or disorder that you want! As opposed to college essays etc.
  4. This means having a messy sloppy overfill, disorderly distracted, irrelevant, non linear, non-anything, non logical imaginative mind works fine.

In addition: the class also is great because:

  1. there is a great balance between working on your own blog and also looking at other people’s blog, blog style and content, and their blogging process unique to them. You learn from blogging and sharing and equally from looking at/checking out other people’s blogs!

(Just want to say Blogging is probably one of the few types of writing I have ever done where my crazy writing/creative process is pretty much unobstructed by being required to write for certain audiences because the internet audience who look at my blog are basically all a “curious and neutral and validating” audience. I have found this nowhere else! It explains why I get super excited whenever anyone in non-virtual reality mentions that they have a blog and have to suppress all the questions and just observe while being excited, limit questions and be brief in mentioning my own blog or notice I should NOT mention my own blog. On the internet you can show off your blog everywhere and get  whatever amount and intensity excited about any Blog and Blogger with only mostly wonderful consequences!!!)

Other great things about the class for me personally specific to my style of blogging AND learning especially learning: I figured out the why of the how of my process of Learning Anything from another language to how to take a train somewhere:

The class accepts and embraces all styles of Learning Stuff: for me, going in and out of attention to blogging class, getting easily distracted by a million blogs and blog topics I like, not doing homework in sequential order, starting blogging tasks and not finishing because already distracted by a million cool things on the internet, getting confused by anything with too many details, and being able to ignore complex stuff in the class and jump around in a fast seeming “disorganized” creative brain way. Also being allowed to not take in information if it feels like something to put off till later. AND you can ask for advice, go back to your blog and do what you think is right, then go back and read the advice without being judged for not Waiting and going about decision process in a backward way!!!
2. Being allowed to post this too long post with no bad consequences! As opposed to talking too much in a non-internet classroom where it’s seen as “hogging”. There’s room for everyone here!

3. you can think out loud to learn stuff and not be told anything or have your long crazy thought/ideas interrupted because it’s making no sense and too long and not staying on topic, like this post

SO this post is a great example:

I’m excited about discovering how my weird brain can be used for blogging and the class without having to change or control my brain process. I then decide to share this excited idea with the class. I start posting in the Commons, and very new for me, I don’t post my thoughts quickly on the commons, I realize it’s too long and can be a blog post I can share as a link with the others. So I decide to do one of my long thinking on the page posts and can illustrate all this by numbering things and not caring if they belong with the other things, AND, I am allowed to repeat myself with no consequences. In non-virtual life, I found out I say the same thing too much.
And noticing a thing that is irrelevant to the current focus of class!

Given my presentation of all the above,  and probably in answer to a few of the assignments in the class that I don’t remember in front of my brain:here is one Dilemma I have had since I started blogging:
Subjects for Bloggging: In one day I post a thousand blog posts in my head. As soon as one topic’s novelty wears off I want to move to something else irrelevant, AND I can’t figure out what to pick to post versus keep on the shelf for later…COnfusing.

My particular Blog TOPIC Choice Dilemma seems to involve very impulsive reactive type of excitement, limited attention to one thing at a time, and lots of attention to all kinds of things all over, and a very ingrained brain thing of not wanting to stay with something for what seems like a long time and is not to others because there is other cool stuff. Having impulsive attention style. Works for art to be into anything from a certain kind of glue to a scribble on a page, to change focus whenever however much!

The reason I don’t follow up when I introduce a sequence of posts if I plan to discuss it later on whenever: It is NOT that I have some problem with follow through or organizing or what you should do when you say you will follow with more of the same:

I thought it was laziness, that I had this great idea for Nutrition and Psychotherapy involving many blog posts was that I got excited about it, wrote the post, then didn’t feel like writing any more about it, thought I could “Catch up” later. It wasn’t laziness, it was the BLOG TOPIC dilemma. When you’re interested in lots of things as a “creative artist”, you want to put something on the paper, then get into some other cool thing or material, and so on. It works for my visual art, and now it works for my blogging style…

My current solution that of course seems totally original but is not is: Post a sentence whenever you want to post with no schedule of frequency or need to conform to anything except that it be one sentence or a sentence and an image… Sort of a more free kind of Twitter type of communication that I wish was Twitter Rules: only one sentence but it can be as long as you want! and have an Image too (which is part of Twitter)
I have impetus to write more on here and it’s too long already, another ADHD thing.

Next post may be a continuation of this one, not one sentence, about my use of mindfulness in blogging to help with my blogging “issues”… So I am going to cut out the next big paragraph and save it for that…

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The age old dynamic of spirituality versus organized religion… Another Book About It

If you’ve been waiting for a book on this topic, it seems like Harris has synthesized it all, and that his book is a mixture of memoir and non fiction, which in itself is an interesting genre (I found a great book about insects by a naturalist that did this mix well), but none if it will seem new to anyone who has dropped whatever organized religion or religions they were surrounded by in favor of spirituality as the more inclusive and non violent non excluding of parts of the human race which all religions love to do (we are right and the others are wrong. Therefore we will force every in else to believe what we believe or we will consider ourselves “chosen” in some way and better and more worthy than everyone else…) that the term “spirituality” embraces. Spirituality has become a slightly meaningless word, or maybe a word that gets thrown around a lot especially in opposition to “organized religion”, but I like to think of it as a combination of the ideas of mindfulness, which leads to appreciation of what is in and around you in the moment, and the practice of loving kindness towards all other beings, ultimately with the goal of not arranging people and beings in some kind of hierarchy of importance, which all religions seem to do. The bible is filled with stories of getting rid of groups of “bad people” and saving others, even killing innocent babies born to the wrong people. So many stories of wiping out lots of groups of people and starting anew with a few, the Noah story repeated endlessly. Genocide it turns out, in the bible, is practiced by the character “God”.

Before I go on into more related topics and meanderings, here is the link to the description of this book and quotes from it: The book is entitled “Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion”

Neuroscientist Sam Harris on Happiness, Spirituality Without Religion, and How to Cultivate the Art of Presence

Mindfulness is not religious; it works well with science as it involves the practice of basic detailed observation of the world around you, as well as observation of your own mind and noticing what your senses are perceiving. It also involves observing your own breathing and even your heartbeat, all of which are quite obviously agreed upon types of realities. You need believe in nothing to practice mindfulness. And not magically but probably due to something that occurs in the brain that neurologists will be able to explain, loving kindness towards other creatures will eventually follow mindfulness practice. It has already been well documented that empathy and compassion when practiced release some kind of endorphins and make the person practicing it feel good, which is why it has survived alongside human beings’ great interest in ways to destroy themselves and others and the planet. So science is taking an interest in certain topics that are also entertained by spirituality. If you go at it from the point of departure of spirituality, which could be defined as some kind of meaning seeking or meaning making that humans engage in and basically through the perspective of individual experience, basically engaging in mindfulness type activities, versus the scientists working on ways to map the brain and observe what goes on in the brain and rest of the body during mindfulness activities, you can choose to try to engage in the actual experience or in the observation of it and mapping of the brain. In some way those two activities do intersect, as the scientist who is mapping the brain is probably engaging in mindfulness while observing someone else’s brain engaged in it…

I am not sure about the mysterious connection between being more awake and aware of the world around you and your presence in the world with the practice of compassion and loving kindness. Harris describes the discovery of this kind of compassion towards all creatures as something he observes feeling after taking the drug exctasy. Luckily you are not required to take any drugs to feel this kind of equanimity mixed with compassion and a melting of the concept of self and others. Ironically, the practice if mindfulness will eventually take you there, but it’s a slower more annoying and boring path. Mind altering drugs have been documented as the quick ticket to this kind of awakening and awareness of really taking in the present moment and feeling your mind and consciousness expand. There are other documented ways to go this route by depriving the body of food and/or sleep or exercising to an extreme point of feeling this expansion at the expense of your health. People have starved themselves and stopped sleeping to achieve a mind altering state of consciousness, probably since the first humans were around, just like there have probably always been some kinds of substances like peyote, magic mushrooms, extasy, LSD found in nature that humans have ingested and noticed a mind altering state of consciousness experience.

Anyway, the cheap, challenging and not fun but healthy route to experiencing a real awakening to regular old reality is to practice disciplining the mind through mindfulness exercises which can range from simple meditation (following your breath, noticing when your mind has run away, returning to the breath) or meditation in action which simply involves being as aware as possible of your present environment and of your mind and body in the moment. According to this practice of “observe and describe”, you can really have a “spiritual” experience. Look at Harris’ words, which are similar to the new “Positive Psychology” and Psychology of Happiness that has become a flavor of the moment:

“Most of us spend our time seeking happiness and security without acknowledging the underlying purpose of our search. Each of us is looking for a path back to the present: We are trying to find good enough reasons to be satisfied now.

Acknowledging that this is the structure of the game we are playing allows us to play it differently. How we pay attention to the present moment largely determines the character of our experience and, therefore, the quality of our lives.”

This is nothing new, it’s similar to what is said by Marsha Linehan in her writings and practice of DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which combines the dialectic of total acceptance as the route to change, and which has a big mindfulness portion as part of its “practice”, as DBT is ultimately a practice that is not limited to teaching people with BPD, but a practice that all of us can benefit from. If you read about the mindfulness aspect of DBT, it will probably sound a lot like what Harris is talking about, with more specific types of exercises to help the individual become more mindful and aware of self and environment. Ironically, by listening to our senses and perceptions in our minds, we are observing both what is in the present moment and what is going on in our minds in the present moment.

In the end, all of this stuff is very simple, but very difficult to achieve. Try, for example, testing your ability to experience time in the present. Unless you are very super aware of seconds, you will either be living faster or slower than real time. You start a stopwatch, or look at a second hand, then sit and wait until you think a minute has passed and check the stopwatch or second hand. Has a minute passed? Did you think it passed and only half a minute went by or did a minute go by and more? I knew I would be the former, as I am aware that my inner motor goes too fast, so when I first tried this, only half a minute had gone by, no surprise! You would think that as therapists we have a good sense of time, at least in 50 minute chunks, but it is not true!

Roald Dahl wrote a great story called “The Marvelous Story of Henry Sugar”, which is all about the use of extreme mindfulness and concentration exercises which he originates with yogis. In this story, you can see how this type of exercise can be used for personal gain versus for helping others. What is so great about this story, is that he captures how the practice of mindfulness type exercises leads to a natural change in a human from selfishness and obliviousness of others’ suffering to great compassion. He takes the character of Henry Sugar, who is wealthy, lazy, bored and completely oblivious of himself and the world around him, and transforms him. What is truly great is that Henry Sugar reads a story that convinces him to try the practice of yogic concentration in order to see through playing cards so as to win at the casinos and make money easily by in essence a kind of “cheating”; he spends many months training his eyes and mind to see through playing cards. Because he changes his actual daily experience from one of wealthy meaningless pursuits spent with other wealthy people, to spending a lot of time alone, meditating and focusing on the middle of the flame of a candle and then focusing on a playing card and concentrating for hours every day until he starts to be able to see through the cardboard of the card and see the number and suit.

As he is practicing this and becoming obsessed with spending his waking hours basically in yogic training, he is changing a lot more than his ability to focus and concentrate on a playing card. I was very excited when he was ready to go to the casino, to see if he would right away have a weird response to the casino and the people there, which of course he did, as he had a heightened sense of observation and taking in the present moment, so the world he had been used to inhabiting was now transformed into something he was observing from the outside. Even more excititng, once he had carefully won a lot of money but sometimes lost on purpose so as not to draw attention to himself, he noticed that he did not feel the way he had anticipated. He was almost disappointed, and definitely not that excited to go winning more wads of money for the fun of it. The rest of the story was splendid; in the morning he woke up and started throwing twenty pound notes on to the streets and caused a huge commotion. A police officer goes up to his apt. and has an interesting encounter with him, basically telling him he is causing a public nuisance and that this is a stupid careless way to give away money. It turns out the police officer himself grew up in an orphanage and suggests to Mr. Sugar that he give his money to an orphanage. The rest of the story involves Henry Sugar engaging in a focused plan to travel the world’s casinos, winning Black Jack with his yogic powers to see through cards and starting orphanages in every country with all of his winnings.

Besides the fact that this story with a story within the story, the story Henry randomly picks up and reads, is so well written and engaging, this is a great story about how the practice of mindfulness techniqhes leads naturally to compassion, and Dahl takes an extreme example of a very limited uninteresting, selfish uncaring man who becomes transformed by simply engaging in exercises of focus and concentration, simple exercises that require a lot of discipline and patience though, into a totally different compassionate and purposeful human being. There is some connection between midnfulness practice, compassion, and the experience of meaningfulness or “purpose driven” living. This explains how Marsha Linehan helped many extremely suicidal individuals with terrible BPD illness go from a state of constant emotional pain, self harming, suffering, suicide attempts, to not just being able to get through the day without engaging in unhealthy coping choices, but eventually transforming their lives and finding meaning beyond the terrible pain of their illness.

It seems that it is really true that the only way to overcome or go through suffering to something on the other side is to truly embrace the present moment and accept all that it contains, being in it while observing it as neutrally as possible. A whole new post could be devoted to the connection between finding a neutral position on the moment and self acceptance and acceptance of others…

Movie: “Back From the Edge” – Borderline Personality Disorder

I just recently watched this video on Youtube. I highly recommend it to everyone: other clinicians who work with BPD or who want to learn more about it, people with BPD, people with loved ones with BPD, and those who know nothing about it.

The good news is that there is finally scientific evidence that Borderline Personality Disorder is actually a biological even hereditary illness not that different from diabetes or bipolar disorder. Those suffering from it are relieved to find out what is “wrong” with them and that it is not their fault that they suffer so much, that there is a name for and description of what they struggle with and they are not alone with it. I am especially glad to see them cover the whole issue of diagnosis and show how people who find out they have BPD are so relieved and also feel that they are understood and that they now know what is going on with them and because it can be explained very precisely and all their “symptoms” are mentioned and described in a way that they resonate with the whole diagnosis, there is great hope for them to recover fully and lead happier, more satisfying lives and have better relationships and hope for love with others.

I think this is a great example of the usefulness of diagnosis and the DSM 5 (the diagnostic tool for people in the mental health and substance disease field). It argues against people’s beliefs that some diagnoses are not good and make a person feel worse or sentenced or that having BPD and being told you have it means you are “one of those crazy sick people”. It also helps people encountering BPD in themselves and others have more patience and understanding of the terrible self harm behaviors and very extreme amount of suicidal thoughts, wishes and attempts.

In terms of treatment and hopes for recovery, the movie shows how people benefit greatly from the most documented and researched treatment: DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, founded and invented by Dr. Marsha Linehan. There is also brief discussion of other treatments, especially psychodynamic, however, they leave out a newer treatment called “Mentalization”, maybe because it wasn’t well known when the movie was made. I still don’t understand much about Mentalization, except that it was founded by a psychoanalyst but is not psychoanalysis. I believe it focuses on cognition and accessing the reasoning part of the brain to get the patient out of the amygdala, which is the “fight or flight” response; people with BPD have different brain chemistry from people with “normal” brains. The reason they are so highly reactive, sensitive and emotional in response to interactions with others that other people do not react to or receive as hostile and dangerous is that their brains are wired differently and thus, while ill, people with BPD spend a lot more time trapped in the amygdala. With mentalization, I believe there is some emphasis on learning about responses of other people to the patient’s behavior or reactions and learning to look more neutrally at interactions with others.

Anyway the basic principles of DBT therapy are explained and patients describe how it helped them to learn to self regulate and decrease their extreme symptoms. The movie is not an exhaustive description of DBT as it empasizes the experiences of people with BPD, before effective treatment and after as well as their family’s experiences before and after.

Multiple Blog Topic Disorder!

I have so many ideas and so many different topics I am thinking about and wanting to blog about my head is spinning! This happens to me in other areas of life, like my art making: Suddenly presented with even 20 minutes (which is a ton of time to have to myself these days) in my studio I have to make a quick decision as to whether to start something new, work on my graphic novel, get back to my big huge project, do another weird mixed media thing that is newish, or pick up a piece and keep working on it, or just chill out and do a collage in my journal. In a case like this, luckily being alone and in my studio, I just go for it and usually just do what feels easiest. If I am at my home and have a very rare opportunity of being alone with a million choices and a few hours time, I am extra challenged. Either I try to do a little of everything, or force myself to just clean some area or do what I did yesterday: I had a book I wanted to read and just sat on the couch reading that book for several hours. That was relaxing for me. No noise whatsoever, no need to look around at the chaotic apartment or be distracted by other things, just focusing on a fascinating riveting book I was learning something every page.

So I could blog about that book or topics related to it. But I have so many topics buzzing in my brain. In no particular order:
1. choose the easy way out and find a cool cultural ritual to discuss and celebrate.
2. pick something to add to the series I’m doing on society’s view of mental illness and separating fact from fiction
3. Mindfulness and how it is used in therapy and everyday life, prescription for any human suffering from anything or avoiding suffering
4. Basic fundamental of the idea of DBT, the dialectic between acceptance and change…
5. Self worth, liking yourself, self esteem, self love, whatever you want to call it and why it is so difficult to deal with in oneself and others and as a therapist as all patients seem to share this issue…
6. Importance of validation for parents
7. Trauma, a million topics emerge from just that word!
8. A holistic view of what “Recovery” means and how it can be empowered and person centered…
9. Borderline Personality Disorder, the hush that still surrounds it, despelling myths
10. many things you might share wtih someone with Borderline Personality Disorder even though you don’t have it, so why does everyone get so angry at even the name of it and why did people argue about it not existing and not being correct to put it in the DSM5 or changing the wording…
11. 9/11 is creeping up on us downtown New Yorkers, what ghosts still lurk down here and in our psyche and collective psyche as humans?
12. All healing boils down to finding balance, following the “Middle Path”. Why is this so incredibly hard to do???
13. Body image again: how can someone say that their low self worth has nothing to do with their body. Liking yourself starts with liking the form that you are in as a person, your shape and size, the inside of your body, things your body does, things you don’t know it does, what you do to it, put in it, stimulate it with, relax it with, soothe it with etc. what is the definition of negative and positive body image? If our own culture is any sign of our relationship with our body, we Americans have a very distorted image about what a body is and a lot of preoccupation with what shape and size it is and what kind of outside appearance we have, and obsession with food, nutrition, good eating, bad eating, dieting, fasting, extremes and middle grounds, feeding our babies and kids, etc. When you think about that, you have to really look at yourself and see how much you unconsciously on a daily basis participate in these fixations…
14. making assumptions about people too quickly. Learning to go back to the child’s curiosity and scientific investigation of everything you encounter through every one of your senses…
15. I can’t end at 14 as I have a crazy preoccupation with odd numbers. For alarms to wake up I have to set the time at an odd number, 8:01, not 8 for example, so I can’t end this post with only 14 topics. I guess the 15th is also about indeciciveness and making choices.
16. Uh oh I just remembered another. Noticing in your relationships with others, do you have some conflicts that could just be reduced to having totally opposing types of coping skills? This is so common in couples as opposites do attract.
17. “Look before you leap” versus “He who hesitates is lost.” The dilemma of the extremes around decision making and reactivity, ie. the person who spends too much time with a pros and cons list versus the person who can’t tolerate being in the “I can’t decide, I don’t know” zone and goes in the direction of acting on impulses and quickly…
18. The use of dollmaking in art therapy.
19. Systems theory explained simply: we all have many parts inside ourselves and we can get to know them better to help them work together. Often extreme crisis, even psychosis happens when all your parts of your psyche are at war or shouting at you at once. Hearing voices could be related to hearing from your parts… (look at “The Beautiful Mind” as example.)

Ok. I am sure I have a hundred more topics but at least I got some of them out there as things I want to investigate. Usually I veer towards making decisions too quickly, but I guess blog writing is helping me slow down, notice my mind’s chaos and speed and curiosity, wanting to connect many ideas and actually having a hard time making a decision!

Sexual Fantasies and the Theory of the “Sex Script”

Warning: Do not read this if you are uncomfortable with topics about sex, fantasies, sexuality, also sexual assault, sexual abuse, rape, etc.

I want to start a conversation about sexual fantasies and the shame people feel about them. This is a huge topic, like most of the continuing topics I start and sometimes do not finish. (I intend to post more about the stigma of mental illness and the controversy around mental illness and violence, etc. but I’m taking a break from that topic to write about this very different one…)

In this post, which will probably be longer than intended, I would like to introduce the idea of the “sex script” in connection with people’s sexual fantasies. The information I got about this was reading posts on the internet summarizing this book:The Sex Script Hypothesis:
Toward a Comprehensive Theory of Human Sexuality, by James Park 

Here is the link to the website where you can read more about it:

http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/syn-sex.html

In reading this material, I noticed that I did not agree with some of the conclusions Park makes about people’s sexuality and even about the content of one’s sexual preoccupations. For example, he makes a big blanket statement about men and breasts:

 Female breasts frequently appear in male sex-scripts on all levels: 
Men find women’s breasts of intense sexual interest. 
Some men become sexually aroused when viewing or thinking about breasts. 
And breasts may appear as a strong fantasy object in some men’s orgasms.”

One could read this and get lead on a detour as he is assuming a lot of things that are not for sure true. It is true that for most humans, the breast was the first “preoccupation” we had. It was where we got food and comfort, etc., but women may have just as strong a preoccupation with breasts as men, whatever their sexual orientation, and some men have no interest in breasts or fantasize about other things more often. These blanket statements are annoying, but I still think Park is on to something with his main theory.

The basic idea is that society may create our “sexual scripts” (what is considered stereotypically appropriate for men and women, heterosexual and homosexual, to engage in when they have sex or when they masturbate. The “sexual script” in our society is pretty limited, as you can see by watching sex scenes in most mainstream movies. There is not even a societal “sexual script” (which is a kind of narrative, by the way, and why we can discern society’s limited stories about sex from the mainstream media) for bisexual and transgendered and questioning individuals, as society does not really know what the story might be for such people. 

Anyway his point in talking about “sexual scripts” versus the concept of the “sex script” is to point out the difference. Many people do mostly have fantasies that conform to these limited “sex scenes”, however, I would wager that the majority of individuals who engage in sexual fantasy at any age tend to stray from these limited scripts into their own personal “sex script”. The sex script as I understand it is something that kind of gets “imprinted” into the human brain in the first moments of discovering sexuality and/or engaging in sexual contact with others or with oneself. Basically the majority of people’s sex script is formed during puberty, although some people exposed to sex and sexuality at younger ages, have sex scripts that begin at that time. Thus people who have been molested and abused at very young ages, from infancy up to about age 12, may have very disturbing sex scripts or may have sex scripts that mostly contain the things that they find disturbing and not arousing at all. Thus, some people may eliminate certain sexual activity from their fantasies and sex lives as they find they are repulsed by it. On the other hand, even people who experienced sexual abuse at very early ages may, without their control, notice that they are aroused by all kinds of varieties of disturbing fantasies, some of which involve coercion and/or rape or other events they remember from the abuse.

Basically around childhood all the way to age 20, the human brain is still forming, and there are young ages during which the sex script will get imprinted. So men who identify as heterosexual and report no fantasies about homosexual contact, may still fantasies about looking at other men naked, or masturbating with other men, if they were exposed to this in reality or through pornography that they experienced around the time they were aware of having wet dreams and/or masturbating.

The theory of the sex script is useful in that it explains why some couples are mystified by hearing what the other person gets “turned on” by or fantasizes about. In some cases, a person’s regular sex life, whether with one partner or more, may have nothing to do with their sex script. An obvious and common example involves gender and sexual orientation. Some people notice that they prefer to fantasize about being with the same gender though they have never been attracted to someone of the same gender and only have had sexual experiences with the opposite gender. The same can be true of homosexual men and women who may experience heterosexual sex only in their fantasy life. 

I think the main important take away about this, while I want to post about many sub topics, is that the theory of the sex script is most useful for people who have not been able to talk to their partners about their sexual fantasies due to feelings of shame or fears of disgust and rejection by the partner(s). Realizing that your sex script was formed years before you met this person or persons you may be married to or committed can be liberating for this group of people and form a bridge for how to start talking about their fantasies with their partners and sharing. 

It is well documented that people who share their sexual fantasies with each other and have interest in each other’s fantasies tend to have a freer more open and perhaps satisfying sex life with their partner(s). It is never too late to start sharing these “dark secrets” with the people you are sexually intimate with. It needs to be done in an atmosphere of acceptance. The sex script provides the help for such discussions. Knowing that one’s partner may have had sexual experiences with others before one met the person is very different from accepting that one’s partner’s brain was exposed to certain aspects of sexuality in the actual reality of a “strange” sexual experience or exposed to watching or seeing some kinds of sex that are foreign to the other partner. There is some kind of strange assumption people sometimes have that their fantasies are probably similar to their partner’s, or an assumption by people who don’t really engage in fantasy, that their partner is not that preoccupied with it either. There is a lot of misplaced jealousy going on about sexual fantasy and erotica and pornography. There is a great scene in the movie “The Kids Are alright” where one of the kids finds their mothers’ stash of gay male porn and is shocked and freaked out. It may have been a scene where the kid walked in on their parents watching it; I can’t remember. What was great about it was the explanation one or both of the moms gave which was quite brief but pretty groundbreaking for a lot of people who did not know this. Basically she said “Just because we are lesbians doesn’t mean we only like watching women together in our choice of porn..” Anyway, it introduced the idea that sexual orientation and erotica, pornography, and fantasy and even couple’s engaging in watching something together, may have nothing to do with the sexual orientation or gender of the people having these experiences.

There is documentation that  “rape” fantasies are very common. What is interesting about these studies done on women with such fantasies, is that women who fantasize about being raped are actually quite healthy in their sex lives with others and also, that they tend to have a wide variety of fantasies, of which the rape fantasy is only one. So people’s assumptions that rape fantasies are unhealthy are unfounded. It must be emphasized of course that fantasy and reality are extremely different. When a patient tells me about what they consider a taboo fantasy (incest, for example, or random stuff like rubbing up against people in the subway), these are part of their sex script, not their real life. A person may fantasize about all these taboo topics, as well as violent sex and anything else that comes to mind that one might be uncomfortable with oneself. “Why am I aroused by this stuff that is illegal or bad?” Because it is part of your sex script, which you have little control over. When you can understand that fantasy is really a place where “anything goes”, you can be accepting that your partner likes to think about other people, objects, situations etc. that have absolutely nothing to do wtih you or your sex life with your partner, you really have reached an understanding of the concept of the sex script. Healthy couples not only like to share their fantasies, sometimes act them out, or even masturbate together while sharing them, or watch erotica that their partner likes to watch even if it isn’t their “cup of tea”, but also enjoy that their partner shares their sex script with them. Perhaps this is an even more intimate experience than sex itself. It is common for people to notice that they have to ask their partner to do specific things to turn them on or give them an orgasm; most people are not mind readers or body readers, and some people report the best sex to have been with the same person they had bad or mediocre sex with. The difference was the level of openness and communication about what they liked from their partner but also about showing their partner what they like to imagiine, watch or read when they are alone and aroused. It is true that most of “sex” is in the brain, so it makes sense that talking about or showing one’s partner about one’s “sex script” will be helpful. It may be difficult to hear that your partner imagines having sex with specific other people or strangers or having the kind of sex you do not have together, but this has nothing to do with possibiilites of “affairs”. A person can be extremely faithful to their chosen partner or partner(s) and have fantasies that involve behavior that violates whatever “contract” they have about their sex life. And again, this is because we do not have a lot of control over some things that make us sexually excited, and images that we watch or that just enter our brains in adulthood, but we always have control oer our behaviors in reality.

Perhaps the next post on this topic needs to be about pornography and relationships, as this is a big  deal with a lot of couples, and a lot of hurt and pain could be avoided, if people were more educated about the concept of the “sex script”…

Mental Health Awareness Month Post Again

I posted ten days ago that I wanted to discuss mental health issues for May’s Mental Health Awareness Month by listing ten random topics rated to Mental Illness and Health. This post aims to finish off this goal with six more such short discussions.

5. Alternative Medicine and Alternative Approaches: These can work alongside the more traditional Western Medical Model Approach of medication coupled with psychotherapy. These alternatives include massage, Reiki, acupuncture and acupressure and other forms of body and energy work, including regular yoga classes, regular meditation, and/or individual yoga therapy. In addition, regular exercise and healthy diet have been shown to play a big role in altering brain chemistry, especially anxiety and depression. And I don’t think there is one kind of diet out there that works for everyone. Ayurvedic Medicine has an interesting approach to nutrition in terms of not seeing food divided into good versus bad; as with most substances, almost any food or beverage can be used well or abused. In Ayurvedic Medicine, there are 3 “doshas” based on a lot of criteria, and for each category, healthy food is very different. A person with a lot of “pitta”, the fire dosha, needs to avoid spicy foods and eat cooler foods while a person with a lot of “vata” needs to eat heavier foods to ground themselves. The other dosha, Kapha tends to need lighter foods. When i had my dosha diagnosed as very “vata” I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my tendency to eat a lot of ice cream isn’t so bad in moderation. This food that’s on the heavy side would not be great for Kaphas. Anyway, I’m not an expert on this, I just find it interesting that the philosophy behind it relies on the idea that different kinds if foods are better for different people. Also I definitely ascribe to the belief, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” meaning that if a person stumbles on a good combination of treatments, say, an anti depressant that works, weekly massage therapy and yoga classes, moderate exercise and Reiki added on when symptoms arise, go for it! Keep doing the self care that works for you. his person may have had enough psychotherapy and be in a period is working on their mind body connection through these alternative treatments. Even approaches to treatment can be seen from an Ayurvedic point of view: “pitta” people like structure and discipline so the above treatment plan would work for someone like that whereas a more vata person would not take on so many forms of treatment and might do one thing or two for a while and then switch to something else….google Ayurvaduc Medicine and read about it. It’s a fascinating approach to healing that is way older than Western Medicine…

6. The DSM V: wait another year and then fork out your $80 for it and it will finally be here in May 2013! It’s the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, fifth edition. Some new disorders under consideration include binge eating, hoarding and hyper sexuality; substance abuse now termed “dependence” will maybe be considered an addictive disorder. Non-suicidal Injury Disorder and Suicidal Disorder are under consideration. Of course there is controversy on all of the proposed changes…

7. Hoarding seen as a mental illness: as with all behaviors, the quantity, frequency and dependence on a non healthy behavior is usually what tips it into mental illness from plain old eccentricity or just pretty “normal” behavior”, eating emotionally for a few days after a breakup, having a fee drinks every once in a while, punching a wall once when enraged or throwing your cell phone… Many people hoard without it becoming pathological but sometimes moderate hoarding behaviors co occur with ADHD and depression in adults. I’d be interested to know the role of trauma in extreme hoarding behaviours. When hoarding gets to an extreme, the individual tends to engage in and display a lot of distorted paranoid thinking and fantasies, as well as overwhelming feelings of abandonment and social anxiety and phobias. “Don’t leave me, but don’t come too close to me, and don’t touch any of my stuff or move it around. Don’t come in my house; if I leave someone’s going to mess with my stuff so I’ll stay here. You’re trying to get me out of the house so you can take my belongings away…” Binge eating can also go with hoarding for obvious reasons. I see hoarding could be considered a sort of obsessive compulsive disorder, definitely a phobia and form of social anxiety, or a paranoid delusional one or even a form of addiction as well as part of PTSD… How complicated!

Alright it’s almost 1 am here! Time to stop and I’ll put the next three topics in my next post before May is over!!!

People Who Live with Mental Illness

I have talked about several memoirs of mental illness that I’ve found to be absorbing and brave. I just in fact read two by Marya Hornbacher, in reverse order of when they were written: “Madness” about her struggles with severe bipolar disorder and alcoholism, and “Wasted”, her first book about her serious long bouts of “bulimarexia” before she found out about the bipolar illness.
Anyway, I think one of the most challenging topics around mental illness, (besides acceptance that you “have” the diagnosis, which in itself is big and can take many years of illness for someone to finally accept it as a biological illness that needs to be treated with medication), is the day in day out living with your mental illness.
Many People are remarkably resilient and can return to their everyday lives quickly after a bout with psychosis, or an episode if some sort or relapse.

However the constant battle to stay stable and healthy, to keep up all the self-care required to keep illness at bay, that requires a dedication and perseverance of a rare sort. As these memoirs show, it isn’t enough to just be taking your medications as prescribed, although that is a big step forward, but usually, there needs to be some sort of consistent therapy and/or peer support group or group therapy. Along with that, people taking meds need to be aware of mixing them with alcohol and other substances. Part of regular self care involves regular exercise of some kind, engaging in soothing and relaxing activities, and eating healthily. Soothing self talk is key, especially for people hearing mean voices and those who have a running judgmental commentary going on in their brains. Many mindfulness meditation techniques are very useful.
For some, even after severe psychosis and several hospitalizations, life returns to “normal” and taking ones meds becomes like brushing your teeth. These people tend to take good care of themselves and push the mental illness to the side as they go about their day.

For others, it is quite the opposite. For example, for many people with eating disorders “under control”, there is a daily battle with the mind obsessing about body and/or food intake, and it can be frustrating to have mastery over the self destructive behaviors but not over the “sick” thoughts. For these people each day is a battle with their demons.
The same is true for many with bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder. Taking morning meds begins the day with the reminder “you have to watch yourself. Be vigilant. This could happen again…”
For these people just having or struggling daily with a mental illness can be exhausting. Self care plans can seem daunting and overwhelming. There is a certain kind of “burn out”, for lack of a better word, that occurs. This person is doing everything s/He is supposed to do. But, “I’m sick of dealing with this. I want it to go away. It’s too painful to try to be stable…” These kinds of thoughts can lead to suicidal ideation. In this case the fantasy of suicide is not directed outwards at wanting to hurt someone else by means of the ultimate form of self destruction, but is really a response to ones situation and being too drained and exhausted by the constant battle of ones own mind. For these people , every day starts with the profound ultimate choice:”Do I still want to live or am I ready to die and thus admit defeat over my illness.” S/hemust recommit to life every morning and choose the hard road of continued extra work, pain and exhaustion. Unfortunayely, once in a while the answer is clearly “no”, and then a well thought out suicide is planned. This is usually not the type of suicide “attempt” cry for help. In this case the person has already shouted and received help and support, but the illness wins over as it is simply too much to bear.

Silence and it’s Many Meanings

Unfortunately I already wrote a beginning to this blog 2 times, and it got erased both times, so I’ll try again.

Silence. Quiet. Breath. Pregnant pause. Calm. Peaceful. Meditative. The silent moments in a therapy sessions, filling the room. Hearing the noise in your head when you try to quiet the mind. Death. Sleep. Dreaming. Awakening. Feeling words in your head but they can’t come out. Non verbal communication. Silent witness. Silent treatment. Quiet art making, uncomfortable silence, an angel just flew through the room. Silent meditation retreat….

These are just some associations to the idea of silence. It can be deeply relaxing to be silent with someone or incredibly uncomfortable. Both children and adults at times choose on purpose to stop talking. In some cases, as a result of some kind of trauma, including deaths, accidents and all kinds of abuse, a child or adult can become “selectively mute.” S/he has not stopped being able to talk, but has “chosen” to stop saying anything out loud. The younger the person, the less control they tend to have over it. Adults in group settings report noticing that they have decided not to say anything for whatever reason, often to see what happens if they do not talk, and whether anyone notices. In a group therapy setting, a good group therapist will notice this pretty quickly and note it to the group and the person without putting pressure on him or her to say anything. In 12 Step groups, members will just wait until the new person feels comfortable enough to talk. The positive effect of this, is that the person will feel accepted and ok to just sit there and be welcomed and supported without having to say anything, which is often too scary for them. Usually the effect is positive, and the person will continue attending meetings because they feel no pressure to do anything but just show up, and often eventually after many meetings, this person will suddenly be moved to share with others. The same may be true for group therapy. Usually the group therapist asks the members to “just show up consistently” and the rest will take care of itself. In fact, when I was in one of my early jobs in my career doing a weekly group with my caseload, I forgot what this group was called, but every case manager did the group once a week, anyway, I got very concerned with coming up with ways to “fill” the group, with talk about some topic, or special music or other types of ways to hold the group. I still remember my supervisor saying, “You’re trying too hard, which is why you are finding this group stressful for you. Just show up and the group will be fine with that. Try to work less.” It was some of the best advice I ever got about leading/facilitating group therapy; I did what she said, and felt more relaxed with the group, and they probably felt more relaxed with me. Group art therapy is especially holding and comfortable for people who don’t like to talk in front of others that they don’t know well, especially when very intimate and personal issues are being shared. The good thing is that the silent member of the group can still communicate a lot nonverbally about himself or herself in the art work.

The Silent Treatment. Who has not used that with a romantic partner or parent? It’s so nasty and effective. If you’ve been on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you probably felt very hurt and upset. It’s very hard to deal with a loved one refusing to talk, especially when there is probably a lot to talk about and both people involved feel hurt and angry… Often the “Silent Treatment” can really be toxic and put a stop to any kind of positive form of processing and communicating, as both people move further away from each other, unless the silence gets broken.

Silent Retreat: quite the opposite of the above paragraph, as going on a Silent Retreat with a meditation group can be very eye opening for the individual. Choosing to be in a structured situation of complete silence for a week or even a weekend can be very powerful. People notice their inner voices that won’t shut up because as they are quiet, they become highly aware of their mind, which is usually very noisy, as all our minds are full of noisy voices, often critical exacting voices constantly commenting on what we’re doing and what’s wrong with it. When you choose to be silent for so many days, you become extremely painfully aware of your different “Selves”. It becomes like peeling an onion, and the more time you spend, the better you can be at quieting your mind so you can become more aware, more awake, more present to the here and now, and get out of your “Noisy Mind”. Some people choose one day of the week to be quiet all day, as a kind of day of rest and way to get in touch with where you’re at and Be Here Now…

There is another kind of noise in our world that we can choose to shut out and it is not necessarily sound though sometimes it does involve actual sound. Try a day with no TV, no internet, no texting, phoning or emails, no radio or outside info from the outer world. You don’t have to stop talking all together to become more present to your inner state and to what is going on around you. This is what vacations are truly for, to take a break from your life and all the “noise” in it and get relaxed and calm to be in a state of mind where you can accept yourself and even get to know yourself better.