I ate some dried mangoes today-tonight. My progress photo. No other vegetable. They look weird from the photo. I had peanut butter and honey on garlic nan bread for dinner. Don’t judge. Foods often remind me of dead people. P. who just died loved peanut butter and had something weird with it I can’t remember. When I was a kid my mother would give me a spoonful of peanut butter out of the jar and call it a peanut butter lollipop. Avocados are Monica, whom I worked with at the CDT who died much too early around my age or younger. She would open an avocado and eat the whole thing at lunch. It’s the only way to have a perfect avocado. My grandma Helen, Russell Stover chocolates. My grandma Lydia, hand made pirozhki. When I’m dead I guess it will be ice cream and peanut butter; if I get back into daily spinach maybe I can end up being associated with spinach.
There’s an Abba song that goes, I believe in angels, something good in everything I see.” Maybe angels exist and are the sparks of goodness in everyone and everything. It’s an interesting song, seemingly simplistic but two polar points, the Dream that gets you through reality and the bridge to another reality, seemingly death but also about “pushing through the darkness”.
I wish I could believe his essence is still here. Some people say the dead stays a while after and lingers sort of floating around still circling their loved ones and checking that they’re ok and then they dissolve or whatever. The most truthful thing I heard about death was Marsha Linehan’s paradoxical intervention with suicidal people: how do you know it will feel better/be better to be dead. You’ve never been dead.
We all miss him. I cried twice today. Once was seeing my kid’s Tik Tok she made for a close friend who has Covid and her dog is dying. Lyrics “You brought out the best in me, the part of me I’ve never seen.” I don’t know who sings it.